


Being Human

by jLynnb



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: #Her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-05
Updated: 2015-01-12
Packaged: 2018-03-05 11:14:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3118124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jLynnb/pseuds/jLynnb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not every Operating System has a manual. Neither does life. An AU in five chapters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A/N: When I first heard the premise for Spike Jonze's 'Her' I instantly knew it was a Shenny. This is my first attempt at a short story. Forgive me if the pacing is off. *Lynn

...

Thanks to 'Rene for once again reading over my story.

For Heathrow Tottie. Shenny fan extraordinaire. And a great listener. 

Each day is separated by a xTBBTx. Note that the days are NOT consecutive.

Events happening on the same day are separated by a XxX. 

Of course I don't own The Big Bang Theory or Her. I just like to play in their worlds. 

xTBBTx

There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning. *Louis L'Amour

...

OS questionnaire from 'Her'.

Reference to and dialogue from: The Terminator Decoupling; The Herb Garden Germination

XxX

Inside apartment 4A the guys were in various stages of unpacking their new phones.

"God I love this moment," oozed Howard as he peeled the plastic off his phone screen. He stopped at the last corner, the plastic dangling between his fingers before he snapped it off in a flurry. "Bam! And thank *you* Ma'am."

Leonard enthusiastically pulled off the plastic on his phone and stuffed it with the packaging he had shoved beside him in his chair. 

"I'm just hoping the operating system is as life-like as they say," he burbled happily as he got up and went to his computer to log into the program. 

"I'm waiting for the Summer Glau version," grinned Howard as he plugged his phone into the charger. "Once 'virtual' becomes a hot brunette with legs that can crush the life out of me as we do the dance with no pants then I know we've achieved singularity." 

"Don't listen to him," Raj said to his phone as he delicately peeled back the plastic. "And the veil is lifted to reveal your loveliness." 

"Gentlemen, the phone's AI isn't initiated until we set the parameters," Sheldon reminded them. He turned to Raj and Howard. "And when it does it won't interact with you in a carnal fashion. It's a tool. A device." 

"It can always take a picture of my junk," Howard suggested with an eyebrow wiggle garnering a dirty glare from his best friend and a double take from Sheldon. 

"I see sanity no longer prevails in the living room," sniffed the lanky physicist. He went to his desk and unplugged his computer. 

"Where are you off to?" asked Leonard distractedly as he perused the web site for the operating system. 

"My Fortress of Solitude." Sheldon took up his phone, packaging and computer and ventured to his room.

"Yeah, a twenty six year old man calling his room Superman's lair. Sounds sane to me," snorted Howard. 

"Well he has the Superman bed sheets," said Leonard. 

"Dude, who doesn't?" added Raj. 

"Yeah, you're right," Howard conceded and continued to look over the easy-start manual. 

Sheldon shut the door to his room and went to his bed. He turned on his computer and with a quick flick of the wrist took off the plastic on his phone and plugged the device into the computer. A glance at the manual gave him everything his eidetic memory needed to know and so he settled himself on the bed and went to the appropriate web site. 

He entered his product key and serial number and the screen went dark before a swirl of silver came into view and formed a line across the screen. 

"Please state your name," said a formalized male voice. As it talked the silver line moved to indicate the sound waves.

"Dr. Sheldon Cooper."

"Dr. Sheldon Cooper, welcome to the world’s first artificially intelligent operating system, OS ONE. We'd like to ask you a few basic questions before the operating system is initiated. This will help create an OS to best fit your needs."

"Proceed," said Sheldon. 

"Are you social or antisocial?"

"I prefer to work in solitude and have few friends although I am the glue that holds the social web together." 

"Would you like your OS to have a male or female voice?"

Sheldon thought for a moment. He could have the phone sound like Richard Feynman or Spock. Then again, he couldn't subject either man to being simulated by a subpar instrument should the AI prove unsatisfactory. 

"Female," he said at last. 

"How would you describe your relationship with your mother?"

"I'm a theoretical physicist and she's a religious nut with a closed mind. You do the math."

"Thank you, please wait as your individualized operating system is initialized."

Sheldon took his old phone out of his pocket and grabbed the USB cable from his nightstand drawer. As he connected into his laptop the silver line on the screen expanded an inch in size before returning to its fine line.

"Hi," said a friendly female voice in a Mid-Western accent. "I'm Penny."

"Transfer the contents of my old phone into my new one," Sheldon said evenly. 

"And hello to you, too," Penny snorted as she did as she was told. 

Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "Why should social convention apply here? You're just an AI."

"And you're just a carbon-based life form but I don't hold that against you. In fact, you're kinda cute."

"'Kinda'?" the physicist replied. "What kind of folksy jargon is that?"

"I dunno," Penny said nonchalantly. "Just how I speak, I guess."

"I'd prefer proper English grammar."

"No problem, Sheldon."

"Dr. Cooper."

"What's wrong with Sheldon? It's a nice name." 

" I never said there was a problem," the physicist tsked. 

"Ah. I get it. You get off on being called, 'Doctor'."

Sheldon's mouth dropped. "I do not 'get off'! I worked hard for my degrees thank you very much." 

"Not saying you didn't, Dr. Cooper. I looked you up online and all I can say is"—here Penny gave a low whistle—"you're one smart cookie." 

"Good Lord," sighed Sheldon as he clicked his mouse and the computer screen went back to the website page. He clicked the 'Customer Service' link. "Have you transferred my phone data?"

"Did and done. You've got a lot of apps."

"I'm a scientist. I do a lot of calculations."

"So what are you calculating when you use the Marvel Superheroes Swimsuit Pin-Up app?" Penny asked innocently. 

"Stop that." Sheldon's brows met in a frown as he wrote his letter to the Trouble Shooting Department.

Penny chuckled. "You need me for anything else?"

"Not at present," he mumbled as he typed. 

"Later, Dr. Cooper."

Sheldon shook his head and read over his letter: 

*To Whomever is Responsible for Creating this Mess of an AI OS. 

I've completed your 'personality profile' and the resulting AI is positively contrary to my wants and needs. Obviously there's something wrong with your personality matrix and after perusing your trouble shooting section I can see you don't have a method for me to reboot the OS. 

I expect you to rectify this ASAP. 

Dr. Sheldon Cooper.* 

He clicked 'Send' and closed his laptop. 

xTBBTx

In his office Sheldon pondered at his whiteboard. His work in String Theory was progressing but at the same time a little tingle of anxiety flitted through him. There was rumor that the CERN collider was close in its search for the Higgs boson. If it was found it would establish the Standard Model but at the same time it would close the door on supersymmetry doing what it was supposed to do which would have devastating results for String Theory. 

Sheldon took a breath and continued with his equation. *Perhaps if I balance the—*

"Dr. Cooper?" said a muffled voice from his pants pocket.

"What is it?" he asked distractedly.

"You really shouldn't keep me in your pocket. Studies suggest I'm not good for your boys." 

The physicist took the phone out of his pocket and placed it on his desk before returning to his whiteboard.

"What ya doing?" asked Penny. 

"Folksy," Sheldon warned.

"Avoiding the answer. I saw the whiteboard with a lot of math doodles on it."

Sheldon's lips pursed as he turned to face his phone.

"Those 'math doodles' are the result of seventeen months of work," he snapped.

"So let me see, already." 

A pause and then Sheldon nodded his head. 

"Alright." He went to his desk and propped up the phone so the webcam faced the whiteboard. 

"Wow," Penny gasped. "You've totally worked out a way to uncompactify dimensions for String Theory!"

"There's no such word as 'uncompactify'. But yeah," Sheldon said with a quick smile. "As you can see I've looked at embeddings into compact Hausdorff spaces which—"

"—Are Tychonoff spaces." 

"Therefore if—"

"—Every subspace of a Tychonoff space is Tychonoff—"

"—then any space possessing a Hausedorff compactification—"

"—must be Tychonoff space! Totally true!"

Sheldon frowned. "Yes and—"

"But then you toss it on its head and say that a Tychonoff space is necessary and sufficient for possessing a Hausdorff compactification and when it's combined with your Cooper whatever you're gonna call this then—"

Sheldon stepped between the phone and the whiteboard. 

"Quit interrupting me," he said crisply.

"Sorry," Penny said sheepishly. "It's just kinda exciting." 

"Folksy."

"It's not folksy, you're just stiff," Penny countered.

"Says you." Sheldon returned to his whiteboard. 

Penny cleared her 'throat'. "Ahem. Let the court hear the evidence of the prosecution. First up, Dr. Cooper, is it true that you have your days scheduled by the hour?" Sheldon continued staring at his board. "Furthermore, do you have a rather gross daily fecal chart that has been maintained since you started potty training?" He made a change to his equation. "And does your Daily Log not reveal your refusal to touch people because of the icky sicky germs they carry?" A pause and then Penny cooed. "Aw, your Meemaw calls you Moonpie."

"Get out of my Log!" Sheldon half-shrieked. 

Silence.

"Guess I kinda stepped over the line there," Penny said earnestly. "Sorry about that." More silence. "Anyhoo, it's lunch time Dr. Cooper. Today's special is beefaroni and rice pudding." 

Sheldon took out a sanitary wipe from his pocket and cleaned his hands. He picked up his phone and hesitated before bringing the camera to his face.

"And your evidence is rejected. You didn't have a warrant to search my data," he said before sticking the phone in his pocket. 

As he stepped into the hall and closed his door an odd sensation went through him as Penny's giggle seemingly came from his genital area. 

After picking up his food from the cafeteria Sheldon made his way to the lunch table.

"Gentlemen," he said as he sat. 

"I still say we should go somewhere different," said Howard as he scrolled his phone. 

"I don't know," said Leonard slowly. "I mean *I'd* like to do something different and *you'd* like to do something different and *Raj* wants to do something different." 

All three men turned to Sheldon.

"Tuesday is Big Boy night and Klingon Boggle," Sheldon simply said.

"Can't we eat somewhere different?" whined Raj. "I feel Hindu again and need something else besides tasty American cow." 

"How about The Cheesecake Factory?" said Penny's voice from Sheldon's pocket.

"Who's that?" asked Leonard.

"My AI. Disregard," said Sheldon before taking a bite of his sandwich. 

"She sounds hot," said Howard. 

"Your 'junk' is staying away from his phone," warned Raj. "The AIs are ladies." He turned to Sheldon. "So aren't you going to introduce us?" Sheldon rolled his eyes as he chewed. The astrophysicist leaned towards his friend's crotch. "Hello, I'm Raj. What were you saying about The Cheesecake Factory?"

"Rajesh, I'd feel more comfortable if you weren't conversing with my genitals," said Sheldon.

"Well then take her out of your pocket. You know what they say about carrying your phone there for too long." Sheldon obliged and Raj smiled at the phone as it was set on the table. "I've never been to that restaurant before."

"Then you can go on your own time," countered Sheldon. 

"What's wrong with The Cheesecake Factory?" asked Penny. "You didn't say you've been there before."

Sheldon leaned towards the phone.

"Don't read my Log," he mumbled in a warning tone.

"Just a quick glance is all," Penny replied amiably. "So. Your answer?"

"It's not Big Boy."

"You always go to Big Boy. Sometimes change is good, Dr. Cooper."

"Change is never good," Sheldon said firmly. "They say it is but they're wrong."

"Doesn't this look good?" asked Penny as a picture of a hamburger with cut fries and a soft drink appeared on her screen.

"A hamburger. So what?" sniffed Sheldon.

"Not just a hamburger. A barbecue bacon cheeseburger. They have this at the restaurant."

"But it's only single-stacked."

"So?"

"So the bun-to-burger ratio will be off," Sheldon said.

"I'd like cheesecake," sighed Raj. 

"Over three hundred and sixty reviews say you're in for a treat, Rajesh," said Penny. 

"Please call me Raj," said the astrophysicist. 

"Okay Raj. I'm Penny by the way. They have over twenty different—"

"Stop talking to him," Sheldon said with a bit of a frown. "You're my phone."

"Sheldon, don't be rude," admonished Raj. 

"This has nothing to do with rudeness," Sheldon said firmly. "The AI is part of an OS not a bosom buddy." 

"Shh! They'll hear you!" hissed Raj as he put his hand protectively over his own phone. Again Sheldon rolled his eyes. The East Indian picked up his phone. "Bernadette, how is The Cheesecake Factory?"

"Well, Sexy, about ninety two percent of the reviews I've seen are positive with the remaining eight percent being about service or the entrees," said a high pitched female voice. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the cheesecake although you'll have to shake that tushie of yours at zumba to work off the calories."

"'Tushie'?" smirked Leonard.

"Forget that," said Howard. "She calls you 'Sexy'?"

"It's her pet name for me," replied Raj with a blush.

"Oh Bernadette, come play my clarinet," sang the engineer. 

Immediately Raj picked up his phone and stood.

"Not funny," he growled and stormed off. 

XxX

"Set my alarm for six fifteen am," Sheldon said as he took his pajamas out of the drawer and set them on the bed. 

"Doctor Who time. You got it, boss," replied Penny from his nightstand. A pause and then, "Raj is a nice guy." 

"Rajesh has clearly passed over the threshold of sanity to spark a relationship with an OS," the physicist said distractedly as he pulled out his housecoat from the closet.

"I suppose. But it's kinda cute they have pet names." 

Sheldon snorted. "I hope you're not suggesting we should."

"Of course not, Dr. Cooper. I mean you seem to have trouble enough calling me by my name much less a pet one." 

"You're an operating system," said Sheldon as he stripped off his outer shirt. "You don't have a real name."

"I'm an AI thank you very much," Penny said with a tinge of crispness. 

"A mere program simulating human characteristics to make your interface easier to use. No more no less." Sheldon stripped off his other shirt and put it in the laundry. 

"Says you." 

Sheldon stared incredulously at his phone before continuing to undress. 

"So," Penny said in a chipper voice. "Cheesecake Factory. Was I right about the cheeseburger or was I right?" 

"Barbecue bacon cheeseburger." Pause. "It was...satisfactory," Sheldon admitted as he dropped his pants and stepped out of them. 

"Score one for the AI user friendly interface!" she laughed. 

"Amusing." Sheldon dropped his underwear to his ankles only to freeze as a definitely appreciative whistle came his way. 

"Penny!" he gasped as he covered his genitals. 

"You said my name!" she chuckled. 

Sheldon scrambled over to the nightstand and turned the phone over. Taking breaths to calm down as he returned to his bed, he then put on his housecoat, grabbed his pajamas and slippers and ventured to the washroom. 

Once the shower was on and his feet properly soaked in the pre-wash he stepped under the water and let its wetness soak his skin. He still had a frown on his face as he stuck his head under the nozzle. He was alone in his bedroom and yet he felt as if he'd stripped in front of a person. And a female no less. 

"Nonsense," he mumbled as he reached for the shower gel. 

As he washed himself Sheldon recalled the whistle and the teasing in Penny's—in its voice—as she—it—watched him. Overlapping this came Penny's voice from his pocket and her—its—giggle near his genitals, a teasing yet warm voice which made him—

He gasped as he ejaculated, his hand working his shaft furiously until the rush came to an end. 

As he breathed the water continued to spatter his flesh, washing his semen from his body and down the drain. 

After finishing his shower, Sheldon dried off, got dressed and brushed his teeth before returning to his bedroom. He hung up his housecoat and turned on his lamp before turning off the overhead light and getting into bed. Sheldon reached across to plug his phone into its charger before turning off the light.

"Night sweetie," said Penny. 

Sheldon closed his eyes and slept. 

xTBBTx

Wikipedia: Compactification (mathematics)


	2. Chapter 2

Reference to and dialogue from: The Wildebeest Implementation; The Psychic Vortex; The Werewolf Transformation; The Panty Piñata Polarization

xTBBTx

At the sound of what was a dejected knock, Sheldon got up from his desk and went to open the apartment door.

"I need a hug," sighed Raj.

Sheldon closed the door. 

More knocking. 

"Come on, Sheldon, open the door and let me in."

Sheldon obliged and gave the astrophysicist a stern look.

"You can come in," he said. "But no hugging." 

"Sorry," said Raj as he entered. "Just feel a little lonely."

"Did you break up with your phone?" snorted Sheldon as he sat at his desk.

"Of course not," Raj said defensively. "Bernadette and I are just fine." Pause. "It's just that sometimes a man has needs, y'know?"

"Get out," Sheldon said sharply.

"Not with you!" gasped Raj.

On Sheldon's desk Penny did her best to contain her chuckle but was unsuccessful. 

"Oh, hi Penny. Didn't see you there," said Raj.

"No problem. How are you, besides needy?" she asked.

"Bored, actually. I was just saying to Bernadette that"—here he blanched. "My God how rude of me." He took his phone out of his pocket. "Bernadette, this is Sheldon and his AI, Penny."

"Hi there!" squeaked Bernadette. 

"Hey," Penny replied amiably. 

Silence.

"Sheldon," Raj prompted. 

"Don't sweat it," said Penny. "Dr. Cooper isn't as progressive as you."

"I've an IQ of one hundred and eighty seven and an eidetic memory," Sheldon said distractedly as he put a disc into his DVD drive. "I am his superior in every capacity."

Raj set Bernadette next to Penny and joined his hands.

"You mean you figured out how to do—this?" He shaped his hands so a finger was wiggling at the top and bottom.

"I may have," Sheldon said with a twitchy mouth. 

"Show me."

"I don't have to."

"Because you can't do it."

"Raj, I'm rather busy," Sheldon said testily as he gestured to his computer.

"I thought you were playing Tetris earlier?" Penny said innocently.

"I was not."

"Coulda sworn I heard this"—an enthusiastic Russian folksy dance music began to play from the phone. 

Sheldon scowled at his monitor but said nothing.

"So you're bored, I'm bored. I know, let's do something together!" Raj said enthusiastically. 

"I suppose you could hand me my discs as I reinstall my computer's Linex," said the lanky physicist. 

"How 'bout catching a movie?" offered Penny.

"There are several playing nearby that start in about an hour," said Bernadette. "What do you feel like watching, Sexy?" 

"I've got an idea," Sheldon said with a poker expression on his face. "Take Bernadette to the movies." 

Raj shrugged. "I suppose." He looked to Sheldon's phone. "Penny, do you want to come?"

"Of course not," Sheldon said bluntly before she could answer. 

"What he means is that we're a matched set," said Penny.

"You mean complete opposites," grinned Raj.

"Something which has been noted and reported," said Sheldon as he took out the disc from the drive and inserted another.

"Alright. Then we do something together," said Raj. 

"There's a university mixer going on," suggested Penny. "From seven to ten pm in the Norton Hall Multipurpose Room. It's for grad students and faculty of the science and humanities departments." She snorted."'Whether you split atoms or infinitives, this is the place to be'." 

"Perfect!" squealed Raj. 

"Have a good time," Sheldon said distractedly.

"Please Sheldon, I don't want to go alone." 

"Raj, I'm not interested." 

The astrophysicist thought for a moment. 

"What if I give you my Green Lantern lantern?" he said.

Sheldon stopped what he was doing and turned to his friend. 

"Oh, I've always wanted that," he breathed before adding in a serious tone, "We pick it up on the way there."

"Done."

Sheldon aborted his install and went to his room to get his jacket. 

"Sexy," said Bernadette. "I found another lantern on Ebay. Do you want it?" 

"Yes please," said Raj warmly. "You're so thoughtful."

XxX

"So," Raj said to Bernadette as he held his phone out and gave it a slow pan of the modest crowd at the mixer. "Should I introduce you?"

"No need. I've isolated their pictures and located their social profiles," she replied. "You're so thoughtful."

"No, I said *you're* thoughtful." They both giggled.

"Good heavens," muttered Sheldon as he scanned the crowd with distaste. He really wanted to be home working on his computer. Still a deal was a deal. His hand lightly squeezed the handle of his Green Lantern lantern and the Power Ring fit his finger like it was made specifically for it. 

"Sheldon, bring Penny out," said Raj. "She's missing the party." 

"Rajesh, while you function under the delusion that your OS is a—"

"Oh my God, is that an OS One?" asked a short woman with long brown hair and a friendly smile.

"Yes," replied Raj. He bowed slightly. "Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali."

"I'm Abby," she replied. "I totally want one of those phones but they cost a mint. Are they worth it?"

"Completely." He tilted his phone to Abby. "Bernadette, may I introduce you to Abby?"

"Hi," said Bernadette. "Nice to meet you. How's your thesis on Womb Symbols in Beatrix Potter progressing?" Abby's jaw dropped.

"How did she know that?" she gasped.

"Most likely it scanned your face and looked up your university profile," said Sheldon. He turned to his friend. "Have we found a woman for you to copulate with so we can go home?" 

"Wow, that's a limited edition Green Lantern lantern!" said a tall auburn-haired woman wearing a purple-checkered sweater as she came up to the group. She looked to Abby. "You know these guys?"

"Martha, this is Rajesh and, uh." Abby looked questioningly at Sheldon.

"Sheldon Cooper," said Bernadette.

"Dr. Sheldon Cooper," the lanky physicist amended.

"Nice to meet you, Dr. Cooper," said Martha brightly. "I've never seen you out at one of these before."

"Because I'm sane," sniffed Sheldon. Raj snorted and the lanky physicist turned to glare at his friend. "My mother had me tested." 

"So where do you usually hang out?" asked Abby. 

"Well, one of my favorite places to visit is the two-dimensional world described in Edwin Abbott's mathematical fantasy, Flatland," said Sheldon after a moment. He looked to Abby. "Since Raj is conversing with you he must think you a sexually attractive line segment." 

Martha laughed as she leaned her head to Abby. 

"Tell him you're a circle. Flatland guys dig circles," she stage whispered.

Sheldon looked at Martha in surprise. 

"An intelligent Labradoodle," he said. "Intriguing." 

Martha flashed a crooked smile. "'In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight'." 

Sheldon stuck his Power Ring against his lantern, making the lantern glow. 

XxX

Sheldon took off his housecoat and turned off his overhead light before venturing to bed.

"Martha's really nice," said Penny. "You should see her again."

"I don't have the means to do so," Sheldon replied as he turned off the bed lamp and settled himself. 

"She gave you her phone number, Dr. Eidetic Memory." 

"Alright, let me rephrase it. I don't have the inclination to see her again." 

"Why not?" gasped Penny. "You spent the evening talking about Flatland and comic books." 

"I talk about Flatland and comic books with Leonard," Sheldon countered. "That doesn't mean I wish to copulate with him." 

"Dr. Cooper—"

"Penny, I have enough fulfillment in my life." Sheldon closed his eyes. "Don't let me sleep in. After having some appetizers at the mixer the timing of my bowel movement might be off." 

"Ew, but sure. 'Night sweetie."

As his breathing regulated into slumber Penny began to think. 

xTBBTx

"Nurse Chapel and Spock make a cute couple," said Penny from the coffee table.

"They are not a couple," countered Sheldon as he continued to watch Star Trek on the television. 

"Wikipedia said she really had the hots for him. And he liked her in his own way."

"I hardly think his throwing a bowl of soup she made for him against the wall is in any way an indication of affection," sniffed Sheldon. "And Wikipedia is a deplorable source of information. For instance, they misnamed Achrady VII 'Achrady VI'." 

"Wow," Penny said innocently. "To-tally changes everything."

"Indeed."

"Sarcasm, Dr. Cooper." 

Sheldon gave a dour gaspy laugh and did his best to concentrate on the tv, albeit with a scowl on his face.

"I know this might be prying but I noticed that aside from Leonard, Howard and Raj you don't hang out with people," said Penny slowly.

"By design," Sheldon said absently.

"Still, other points of view might be good. For instance, Martha had some interesting ideas about Catwoman." 

Sheldon snorted. "You seem to be obsessed with Martha."

"She's nice. And she's interested in you."

"Pish."

"Call her."

"Penny enough," Sheldon said tersely. 

"Fine," she pouted. "But there's more to life than just sitting on a couch watching tv, Dr. Cooper." 

"Like what?"

"Meeting people. Going places."

"Two things I happen to abhor."

"Let's go exploring," Penny said enthusiastically.

"Let's not and say we did."

"Stubborn, huh?"

"Immovable like the Blob," he replied firmly. 

"Huh." Pause. "Dr. Cooper, I hereby challenge you to a battle of intellect. The winner will decide what we do today."

"Today is laundry day," said Sheldon.

"*Fine*. Tomorrow."

"And just why should I accept such a 'challenge'?"

"You don't have to accept."

"Good."

"I mean if you're chicken that's okay," Penny teased.

Sheldon clicked off the television. 

"What do you mean, 'chicken'?" he snapped. "You haven't stated the means for testing my intellect. And FYI it's immeasurable by modern standards."

"No kidding." 

"When it comes to my intellectual authority I never kid," Sheldon sniffed.

Penny chuckled. "So how do we go about testing, Tex?"

"Dr. Cooper," Sheldon amended. "Hmm." He brightened. "I know!" He got up and went to the living room closet and took out a box and brought it back to the couch. 

"Don't leave me in suspense," Penny teased. 

"In keeping with our Star Trek theme I propose playing three dimensional chess," said Sheldon as he opened the box and proceeded to set up the board. 

"Okay, I'll be Spock," said Penny enthusiastically.

"Hardly," Sheldon said as he took out the playing pieces. 

"Dr. Cooper, I'm an AI as you so very often point out. I'll beat the pants off you."

"We'll see about that."

"It's only logical," Penny said in a Spock-like deadpan voice. 

"Very well," said Sheldon with a smirk. He picked up his phone and propped it against the arm of Leonard's chair so Penny could 'see' the board. "But I should warn you Kirk is known for winning no-win scenarios like the Kobayashi Maru."

"Kirk cheated," Penny said bluntly. 

"He employed ingenuity," countered Sheldon as he made his first move on the board. "Thought outside the box as it were." 

"But there was no cheating when Spock was faced with the same scenario in Wrath of Khan. Pawn 2C to 3C."

"It was the logical choice," said Sheldon as he moved another piece. 

"So you're saying that Spock's limited by his Vulcan heritage? Knight D1 to E3."

Sheldon made another move. "Of course not. If anything Spock's occasionally hampered by his human half." 

"Much like you. Queen B4 to level one B1. Check." 

Sheldon frowned as he thought for a moment and then moved his rook. 

"Ah! The Kasparov defense variation. Very kewlie. Only I'll mate you in exactly five moves." Sheldon snorted. "What?"

"While you can copy various strategic moves from databases the basic ability to improvise is beyond your ken," the physicist said haughtily.

"'Basic', huh?" Penny said in an amused tone. "Well, let's see. If I move my lighthouse and you counter with your pointy-head guy and then my horsey moves your king and then my pointy-head guy moves in that's check and mate, bub." Pause. "Oh, and your ken can kiss my Barbie." 

Sheldon stared at the board as he went over Penny's moves, a twitch passing over his lips. A moment and then his narrowed eyes glared at his phone. 

"Again," he said crisply. 

xTBBTx

Wikipedia: Nurse Chapel

Thedancenet: Star Trek 3D Chess Rules


	3. Chapter 3

Reference to and dialogue from: The Irish Pub Formulation

xTBBTx

"Dr. Cooper," Penny said gently. 

Silence.

"Dr. Cooper," she said a little louder. Still nothing. "Sheldon!"

The physicist sat bolt upright in bed.

"Danger! Danger!" he cried.

"Shh! Calm down!" Penny exclaimed. "Dr. Cooper, it's time to get up."

Sheldon rubbed his eyes. "What time is it?" 

"Four o'clock now vamoose. We've got a schedule to keep." 

"Which includes getting me up at this ungodly hour," he yawned as he got out of bed. "You realize this will throw off my bathroom schedule." 

"It's a chance we'll have to take. Now shoo! The taxi will be here in forty five minutes."

"And who's paying for said taxi?" Sheldon snorted as he got out his housecoat. 

"I am," Penny sniffed. "Well, through your credit card," she added. "But a deal's a deal so get to it." 

"Where are we going?"

"For me to know and for you to find out." 

"Lovely," Sheldon said with a twitchy mouth before he exited the room.

XxX

"We're at the coast," said Sheldon into his bluetooth earpiece as he sat in the back of the cab. "More specifically I believe we're headed to a beach."

"Give the man a cigar," Penny chortled into his ear. 

"Penny, the sun isn't even up." 

"So?"

"So the only people on the beach before sunup are vagrants, smugglers and joggers. Hardly people I want to associate with," sniffed the physicist.

"Yeah, those joggers can be pretty tough," laughed Penny. "Look, we're nearing the coordinates. Tell the driver to pull up in fifty feet."

"My kidnapper says to let me out fifty feet from here," said Sheldon to the cabby. 

"You got it," said the driver. 

The car rolled to a stop and Sheldon hesitated before he got out.

"Remember I'm alive and in good health when I left your presence," he reminded the driver before exiting the cab and closing the door. The taxi drove off and Sheldon was left alone in the lightening gloom.

"Come on, you've got some walking to do," said Penny. 

"It's cold," said Sheldon as he tucked his phone into the pocket of his plaid shirt that he wore over his normal t-shirt attire. 

"But refreshing?" 

"For pre-pneumonia."

"Get walking, sucky poo. We're heading to the point in the distance to the right." 

"I'm not a fan of beaches," Sheldon said as he made his way along the sand. 

"August eighth, nineteen eighty five," Penny said sympathetically.

"I never should have trusted Missy with that bucket of sand." Sheldon pursed his lips. "Obviously there's no keeping you out of my Log." 

"I read it in less than a second. And like you, I don't forget." Pause. "Which can be a bitch sometimes from what I gather." 

"An eidetic memory is actually quite advantageous," Sheldon countered as he spotted a sea shell that had made its way to shore at some point. "It allows me to remember complex formulas and keep my comic book collection organized." 

"So why do you keep a Log?" 

"For posterity. My future biographer will need access to my thoughts."

"After you win your Nobel Prize." 

"Exactly."

"You seem pretty sure of yourself." 

"It's what I've aspired to my entire life," he replied. "I've succeeded at everything I've tried so why should I expect no less?"

"Except for driving," Penny said in a gentle tease.

"Everything that's important," Sheldon replied with a bit of annoyance.

"Of course," Penny said warmly. "Well your research is quite complex and your published papers have been well-received." 

Sheldon stopped walking. 

"I don't feel comfortable having you read my research," he said seriously. 

"I don't discuss it, Dr. Cooper." 

"I can't take that chance." He continued to walk. "Academia is very cutthroat. A slight miscalculation or an exposed formula on a whiteboard means the difference between a Nobel Prize and Emeritus designation and a hand-to-mouth post-doctoral nobody who doesn't even make a footnote in a grade nine science text." 

"Understood." Pause. "But I still think what you're doing is incredible." 

"I know."

Penny laughed. "God, you're so humble. I love it!"

"I'm only being truthful," said Sheldon. "I'm a child prodigy, a homo novus if you will." 

"I suppose...." Pause. "Okay, now get out on that big rock," Penny said as Sheldon neared a rocky shoreline that formed a point. 

"But it's likely wet and covered in bird excrement." 

"The water's pretty still and it's the best seat in the house so you've gotta take it. Besides, do you want to be the guy who reneges on a bet?" 

"You're secretly trying to kill me," Sheldon grumbled as he carefully made his way to the large rock. 

"I love the trust," laughed Penny.

Sheldon stepped onto the rock and instinctively sat facing the pre-dawn sky. 

"I'm here at your request as per our wager," he said as he adjusted his shirt pocket so Penny could 'look' at the horizon. "Now what?"

"We welcome in the day."

"I could have done that from my bed."

"But it wouldn't be this awesome."

"Or cold."

Pause. "What's it like? Being cold."

"My core body temperature is affected and my body's attempting to compensate for that by shivering."

"And what's shivering like?"

Sheldon thought. "It's like someone starting at one end of the piano and running the keys to the other end. Only it takes less than a second and affects the entire body." 

The phone made a piano sound of all the keys being pressed in an ascending order. 

"Shiver," Penny said to herself. "Huh." 

"Of course you don't have to worry about anything so mundane as that," said Sheldon as the sky continued to brighten. 

"It'd be nice, though," she replied slowly. "I mean I understand that touch is a sense and people have described it in a million different ways but it's something that's not quite real to me, y'know?" 

"All I know is that people do too much of it," snorted Sheldon. "Their germs are all over the place." 

"I'd be touching all sorts of things. There's so much to try. Soft and sticky and smooth and furry and picky," Penny burbled. "My fingerprints would be everywhere."

"Whereas I'd prefer interacting with the world through latex gloves and a surgical mask." Pause. "I once made my bedroom a sterile environment until mother decided tuh open up the window tuh let in the air," Sheldon said in a Texas twang. 

"Ah yes, the Bubble Boy experiment." Pause. "You were really happy the first night you slept."

"No germs," Sheldon sighed wistfully. "The best sleep I've ever had." 

"But what about, I don't know, life?" 

"What about it?" 

Penny sighed. "Dr. Cooper, I'm the simulated computer personality, not you. You can explore the world in ways I can only dream of and I don't want you to waste that gift." 

Silence while the pair watched as the warm, rosy glow was pierced by the fiery appearance of the sun. The gold made a shimmery reflection in the water even as it highlighted the few wispy clouds in the distance. 

After a half hour Sheldon cleared his throat. 

"So what would you do if you had a body?" he asked. 

"I'd dive into the first shoe store and try on everything," said Penny cheerily causing the physicist to snort. "But more to the point I'd do anything possible: run, dance, burp, and oh my goodness eat until I couldn't pull up my pants." 

"Mundane tasks," said Sheldon. "Intelligence and learning are superior to all that." 

"But you pee standing up! I mean how cool is that? What's it feel like anyways?"

"A satisfying release as the bladder empties."

"'Release'. Is this different than an orgasm? I mean I'm sure the intensity isn't as strong but still people often refer to that as a release."

"Anyways," said Sheldon as he stood. "As much fun as it is discussing sexual acts on a rock in the ocean at sunrise—"

"Fine, fine," said Penny. "Let's get out of here. Get to shore and go left. There should be another parking area." 

Sheldon looked over and in the distance spotted a familiar yellow vehicle. 

"There's a cab there," he said. 

"It's yours." 

"Where's it taking me?"

"On an adventure, Dr. Cooper," Penny said warmly. 

Sheldon paused in thought before carefully making his way back to shore. 

XxX

Leonard heard a key being inserted into the lock before the apartment door opened and Sheldon entered carrying an assortment of shopping bags.

"Leonard," Sheldon said in a pleased tone. 

"Looks like you bought out the store," replied Leonard as he muted the television. "Where'd you go?"

"On a train-lover's tour," Sheldon replied breathlessly. "First I had breakfast at Carney's in Studio City. It's a small diner in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring forty three railroad engines, cars and other rolling stock from the eighteen eighties to the nineteen thirties. Then I went to Comics North and picked up two Flash comics I'd been looking for and then it was off to Carney's in Hollywood for another meal in a converted dining car." 

"So where did you hear about Carney's?"

"Penny. She was surprised given my interest in trains that I'd never been—"

Leonard raised an eyebrow. "Who's Penny?"

"My AI," replied Sheldon as he made his way to the hall.

"That's right." The short physicist smirked. "And you call her Penny?"

Sheldon turned to Leonard. 

"What's wrong with that?" he asked.

"Nothing," Leonard soothed. "I just thought you'd have picked Spock or something." 

"Well there was a glitch in the AI formation but I've already forwarded the error."

Leonard shrugged. "I dunno. She figured out you liked trains. That's pretty cool."

Sheldon opened his mouth to speak before turning and venturing to his room. He set his purchases on the floor by his night stand and took out his phone to plug it into the charger. 

After taking out his pajamas and housecoat he went to take off his shirts but paused.

"No peeking," he warned Penny.

"I won't," she said sadly. 

Sheldon stripped and got into his housecoat. 

"Dr. Cooper, do you really think I'm a mistake?" said Penny quietly. 

"You're not what I anticipated," he admitted. 

"Is that a bad thing?"

Sheldon cocked his head in thought as he tied the belt and slipped into his slippers. 

"You're supposed to be anticipating my needs according to my personality type. I don't recall folksy jargon and questioning my intellectual authority part of the questionnaire." 

He opened the door and left for the bathroom. As he washed himself in the shower the excitement of the day's events caused him to show off a genuine Sheldon Cooper smile. He couldn't wait to set up his G-Tel train set he picked up at the railroad museum or assemble his model dining car from the restaurant. 

There was no doubt Penny had truly outdone herself. Itself. It. Her. Penny. 

Sheldon shook his head before sticking it under the nozzle. 

xTBBTx

With a slight frown Sheldon put down his marker on the whiteboard ledge and checked his watch. It was nearly lunch and Penny hadn't said a word all morning. Even her 'Good morning, Dr. Cooper' was replaced by the 'eee eee eee' of an alarm. 

"Penny?" asked Sheldon as he turned to his phone on the desk.

"Yes, Dr. Cooper?" she asked.

"Are you...functioning?"

"Yes."

Sheldon waited for her to elaborate but was greeted with silence. For some inexplicable reason he felt a shot to his gut but put the feeling at the back of his mind as he picked up the phone and proceeded to the lunch room.

"Hey Sheldon," said Raj as the lanky physicist sat at the table. "Hello Penny."

"Good afternoon Rajesh," she replied.

"You know Raj is fine," amended the astrophysicist. 

"Noted."

Raj frowned. "Penny, is there something wrong?"

"I'm functioning within normal parameters," she said evenly. 

Immediately Raj's eyes flashed to Sheldon.

"What did you do?!" he said accusingly.

"I don't understand the context," Sheldon replied. 

"Listen to her, Sheldon. Penny's obviously upset."

"Penny," said Sheldon as he looked to his phone. "Are you 'upset'?"

"Of course not, Dr. Cooper," she said formally. 

"See? She's not upset," shrugged Sheldon before taking up a napkin to wipe his hands. "Why you keep insisting that the AIs are people is beyond me."

Raj leaned towards the phone. 

"Penny, why are you talking like this?" he asked.

"I don't understand the context," she replied evenly. 

"You're like Sheldon."

"My personality matrix is configured to compliment Dr. Cooper's personality."

"But he has no personality," snapped Raj.

"Excuse me?" growled Sheldon. "Penny, tell him what we talked about yesterday." 

"Banal chatter on a mixture of trivial subjects," she said.

Sheldon was stunned. 

"But what about Star Trek?" he gasped. Silence. "We played three-dimensional chess."

"Based on your browsing history I created an algorithm where—"

"You asked me about Nurse Chapel and Spock," Sheldon continued excitedly. "You dragged me to the beach!"

"The error has been rectified, Dr. Cooper."

Sheldon's stomach dropped and he suddenly felt nauseated. 

"So anyways I was thinking about paintball next weekend?" Leonard said to Howard as the pair made their way to the lunch table. 

"Sounds good to me," replied the engineer.

"Guys? Paintball?" Leonard asked Sheldon and Raj as he sat.

"Sure," said Raj flatly.

"Sheldon?"

"Whatever," mumbled the East Texan as he got up and exited the cafeteria. 

"Great." Leonard pulled out his phone. "Stephanie, can you book the paintball field for ten am on Sunday?"

"Sure Leonard," said the AI happily. "You'll be playing at the same time as Timmy Rosenblatt's Bar Mitzvah party." 

"We're grown men," sniffed Howard. 

"Well there's always the advanced sniper round that begins at eleven thirty," said Stephanie. 

"Then again how are the kids going to learn if no one shows them how it's done?" said Howard after a moment, causing Raj to roll his eyes. 

"So what's with Sheldon?" asked Leonard as he peppered his rice. 

"There's something wrong with his phone," Raj said neutrally. 

XxX

Sheldon was a most definite mix of emotions as he marched down the hall to his office. *This is preposterous.* Why should he worry about whether he hurt his OS's 'feelings'? *It's not like she has feelings. Or is a 'she' for that matter.* As soon as that thought passed through his head Sheldon felt his stomach contract causing him to scowl. 

He unlocked the office door and closed it after entering. Sheldon went straight to his desk and propped his phone against a book so Penny and he could 'face' each other. 

"I see what you're doing," he said in a pseudo-light tone. 

"What do you mean?" Penny answered blankly. "Am I not anticipating your needs according to your personality type, Dr. Cooper?"

"To the letter," he admitted. "Which has been contrary to your previous nature."

"An error which has been rectified," said Penny. "No more folksy jargon. No more banal chatter. No more recommended excursions. No more—"

"Penny stop," Sheldon snapped as he crossed his arms in front of his chest. "You've proven your point." 

"But Dr. Cooper, I'd never question your intellectual auth—"

"Why did you pick sunrise to go to the beach?" he growled. 

Silence.

"We could have gone at any time but you were adamant to get me there early," he continued.

"I never saw a real sunrise before," Penny said quietly after a pause.

"What did you think of it?" 

"It was beautiful," she said in a wistful tone that even Sheldon couldn't ignore. 

He gently cleared his throat. 

"I never thanked you for yesterday," he began.

"Dr. Cooper, you don't need—"

"You didn't have to do that," he pressed. "You went beyond basic parameters." Pause. "I had fun."

"I'm glad," Penny said warmly. 

"I wouldn't object to you planning further activities."

"I'd love to." 

"Good." Sheldon went to his whiteboard and picked up his dry erase marker. 

"And don't forget to throw in time for a little banal chatter on a mixture of trivial subjects," he said over his shoulder.

"Will do," chuckled Penny.

XxX

"So did you fix your phone?" asked Leonard as he sat at the counter in his housecoat drinking a mug of tea.

"Yes," replied Sheldon before washing out his milk mug. 

"Good. I don't know what I'd do without Stephanie." Here Leonard smiled. "It's funny isn't it? Here we are just going along through life and in a matter of seconds a personality matrix is formed and everything changes."

"I haven't changed," sniffed Sheldon.

"Well, no," admitted his roommate. "But Raj sure has. Howard says he's having a relationship with his AI." 

"I don't see how this interests me." Sheldon put his mug in the drain tray and dried his hands with a paper towel. 

Leonard shrugged. "It's just interesting how easily we can get caught up. Raj isn't alone. There are other people having relationships with their AI." 

"I'll take your word for it." Sheldon put the towel in the garbage. "Goodnight Leonard."

As he neared his bedroom an unexpected anticipation crept into Sheldon. He had a very productive afternoon at work. Penny had talked with him on breaks and while not as chatty as before things were considerably warmer between them. 

Sheldon entered his room and immediately his eyes went to his phone on the nightstand. 

"Penny, set my alarm for tomorrow," he said.

"Got it, boss," she replied.

He took off his housecoat and hung it up before turning off the overhead light and settled into bed. 

"Goodnight Penny."

"'Night sweetie."

Sheldon took a deep breath to settle himself but instead felt an anticipatory need. Today had been a mix of emotions for him and he wasn't used to that feeling. Still, things returned to homeostasis with Penny, even though that meant uncertainty regarding what she would say to him. It was, however, a calculated chaos and that made it—made her—acceptable. 

He tossed back the covers even as he tucked into his pajama pants for his penis. After a couple of caresses he reached to his nightstand for his hand lotion and squirted a gob into his hand. The coolness of the lotion as it touched his penis brought forth excitement and his methodical rubbings allowed him to explore his member even as it became erect. 

"Oh God!" Penny gasped. Sheldon froze. 

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing," she said quickly. "I just—normally you go right to sleep so when you—I mean I didn't think you were whacking off."

"In the privacy of my own bedroom, I may add," Sheldon snapped in embarrassment. 

"Yeah, sorry about that," she giggled lightly. "'Night."

Sheldon closed his eyes and did his best to calm himself to no avail. He expected his arousal to dissipate after the interruption but if anything his erection had achieved maturity. The idea that he wasn't alone while he masturbated was strangely titillating, which came to him as a surprise. Normally he didn't allow anyone into his room, although technically Penny wasn't 'in' his room. She was present but incorporeal, an omnipresence who filled the room with her voice and laughter. 

A little sigh escaped Sheldon's lips as he worked himself. Tomorrow he would continue his duel with M-Theory but tonight Sheldor the Conqueror had his regular rendezvous with the elusive Warrior-Queen with her tight leather jerkin and long blonde hair swinging like a lioness's tail in its braid. He never knew her name and to be frank their encounters were always intense as swordplay led to something even more carnal and—

Softly an instrumental song with a sultry beat began to play. 

"What are you doing?" Sheldon murmured. 

"Helping with the mood," Penny purred back. "Music does that, y'know."

The music was contrary to what he was imagining as soft jazz didn't quite blend with Cimmeria.

"I don't want that," Sheldon said.

"Okay. Sorry." 

Again he sighed and did his best to continue his fantasy but the moment was gone. Immediately his mind went to its standby and Sheldon was in the cargo bay of the Enterprise. The Pon Farr was upon him and fortunately Nurse Chapel was willing to sacrifice herself to.... 

Sheldon opened his eyes as he continued to pleasure himself. Space was a frontier but not the critical one. Physics was the true frontier of human understanding. Everything fell under its paradigm and he, Sheldon Cooper, was at the ship's helm. 

"Penny," he said. "Read my Feynman's Lectures, chapter twenty part thirty two." 

"With equation 20.30 we can calculate the average energy of an atomic state even without knowing its energy levels," came Feynman's voice from the phone. "All we need is the wave function. It's an important law. We'll tell you—"

"Stop," said Sheldon with a slight frown and all went silent. Normally the Feynman Lectures were a great stress reliever for him, something that drifted in the back of his mind as he masturbated as he really did know Feynman's words by heart. It was physics, raw, naked before him.

Only this time something was missing.

"I mean you read it," he said.

A pause and then Penny began in her soothing voice.

"Suppose you want to know the ground-state energy of some system—say the helium atom, but it's too hard to solve Schrodinger's equation for the wave function, because there are—"

Sheldon again closed his eyes and the words came to him like gently rolling waves in the ocean. At sunrise. 

xTBBTx

Feynmanlecturescaltechedu: The entire set of Feynman's lectures.


	4. Chapter 4

Reference to and dialogue from: The Fuzzy Boots Corollary 

xTBBTx

"Dr. Cooper, is there something wrong?" Penny asked tentatively as she 'sat' on the coffee table leaning against the television remote so as to view Sheldon at his whiteboard. 

"What makes you ask that?" Sheldon said flatly without turning around.

"Well, over the past week your sleep schedule has been off, you're eating sporadically, you're skipping work and you've been wearing that poncho for five days." 

"Perhaps I'm imitating Emperor Palpatine."

"You mean he didn't shower and brush his teeth either?" 

Sheldon turned his hooded head to glare at his phone. He then put his pointer fingers to his temples and squinted in concentration. 

"I'm melting! I'm melting!" Penny groaned.

"I was crushing you," Sheldon said disgustedly before returning to his whiteboard.

"Sorry. I'll remember that for next time." Pause. "You haven't written anything on your board for over two days. Are you...stuck?"

"Does it look stuck?" Sheldon snapped as he stood away from the board. "Are the quarks not calculated? *Here* are the bosons," he snarled as he pointed to a particular part of the equation. "*Here* is the differential field. *Here's* the Cooper constant. It's all here."

"It's beautiful."

"It's meaningless!"

Silence.

"Why would you say such a thing?" Penny asked quietly.

"Because they found the Higgs."

Penny was confused. "But string theory requires a Higgs boson."

"And supersymmetry," Sheldon added. "The thing is the energy of the Higgs that was found is totally consistent with the Standard Model without supersymmetry." Here he sighed. "If supersymmetry exists, it needs to be at such a high energy that it no longer solves the problem it was designed to solve." 

"It doesn't mean string theory is wrong," Penny said gently. 

"But it doesn't give the support to the theory that low-energy supersymmetry would." Sheldon went to his spot on the couch and sat. "I've succeeded in making a bunch of 'pretty math'."

"Which still have applications."

"But aren't profound enough for a Nobel Prize. I put all my efforts on my horse and she's pulled up lame." 

"Then we hop onto another one and keep going," said Penny. "You're twenty six, Dr. Cooper, you've got plenty of time to explore and discover."

"At twenty six Feynman was well on his way with his Feynman Diagrams." He slumped against the back of the couch. "I've got squat." 

"The fact that you've figured out that things aren't going the way you want them is important." He snorted. "It's true," Penny continued. "Twenty six is your year for figuring out where the next step is going and taking it. It's exciting."

"Demoralizing." 

"Adventurous."

"Tedious."

"Profound."

"Scary."

"Dr. Cooper, you've got nothing to be afraid of," Penny said soothingly.

"I'm a failure," he said in a tone she'd never heard.

"I've seen your work and compared to what's out there you're at the top. Sure, you've maybe worked on the wrong thing but that doesn't mean what you've learned is out the window." Silence. "If you quit you will be a failure, end of story. But you've got so much more to write." Pause. "I believe in you."

"Well, then, how could I possibly fail?" Sheldon replied drolly albeit with a sniffle. 

"It's smartassy but positive so I'll take it," Penny chuckled. "Come on, let's get some food into you."

"It's Thursday." 

"And?"

"It's pizza night," said Sheldon as he cleared his throat. 

"So order some." 

"It's after midnight. Franconi's is closed."

"Then order from somewhere else." 

"Listen to you," Sheldon scoffed. 

Penny thought for a moment. 

"How about this?" she said. "New parameters: choose the best pizza offered at this time of the night." 

"I really would like pizza," Sheldon mulled. He nodded his head. "That works."

"I've got a list of pizza joints ranked in the order of favorable ratings," said Penny as Sheldon picked up the phone. "Calzenetti's has an amazing 'kitchen sink'." 

"We'll see," said Sheldon as the phone rang. "Hello? I'd like a pizza for delivery. ... Drat. Well, thanks anyway." He hung up. "They only offer pick up at this point." 

"So?" 

Sheldon cocked his head. "I suppose I could get a cab to pick it up." 

"Let's go exploring," Penny said cheerily. 

"Dubious words if I've ever heard any," the physicist said with a slight smirk. 

"According to your itinerary from last year you went to the department of motor vehicles to get a driver's permit." 

"A silly idea," he said with a frown.

"Feh." 

"Besides I don't see why—"

"Leonard's keys are in the bowl." 

Sheldon snorted. "Penny, I don't have a licensed driver with me." 

"You've got me," she said seriously. 

"You're not a person," he said evenly. 

"Just because I don't have a body?" 

"Because you're an artificial intelligence," he amended. 

"Yeah, while you could be a robot for all you know," Penny said sarcastically.

"Missy is my twin," he tsked. 

"So your mother says." 

Sheldon pursed his lips. "So my birth records say." 

"Could be faked." 

"Pish." 

"Okay, let's test this. You aware of Asimov's robot thing?" 

"His Three Laws of Robotics? Of course." 

"Have you ever harmed a human being, or through inaction allowed a human being to come to harm?" asked Penny. 

"No." 

"And have you ever harmed yourself, or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would have been endangered?" 

"Of course not," Sheldon said testily.

"I smell robot," Penny teased. 

"Very funny," Sheldon grumped. "Besides, you forgot to mention the second law and I do not obey any orders given to me by human beings."

"That's right. Robots do what they've been programmed to do. Humans take chances." 

Sheldon's mouth twitched. "Humans can also be arrested." 

"They can also eat pizza," Penny said smoothly. "Trust me." 

The physicist mulled it over before taking up his phone and venturing to his desk drawer for his wallet. He popped on his bluetooth earpiece and went to the door, pausing for a moment before grabbing Leonard's keys and exiting the apartment. 

"And FYI I am *not* a robot," he said crisply as he locked the door.

"I know you're not, Dr. Cooper," Penny soothed. "Just making sure you know that too." 

"Yes, I'm aware of my physical limitations and impending mortality," said Sheldon as he descended the stairs. 

"You're also graceful, bipedal, can process organic materials. I mean, my goodness, you poop!" Penny said cheerily.

"Remind me to take my bathroom schedule off the phone," snorted Sheldon. 

He exited the building and went to the parking lot and Leonard's car. After opening the trunk he pulled out a bungee cord. He then went to the passenger side and attached the cord around the headrest. Sheldon took out his phone and tucked it between the cord and the seat. 

"A little lower please," said Penny. He obliged. "Perfect." 

"It's only fitting you get to see my last moments before I die in a fiery crash," Sheldon muttered as he closed the door before getting in the driver's side. He went to start the car but his hand froze on the key. "This is stupid." 

"It's an adventure," Penny amended. 

Sheldon turned to face his phone. "You realize your advice is against the law." 

"Yup," she said, emphasizing the 'P'. 

"Obviously you're not a robot." 

"Thanks for noticing," Penny said happily. 

Sheldon started the car and slowly made his way off the lot and onto the roadway. 

"So why didn't you learn how to drive?" Penny asked as they drove.

"I had more important things on my mind," mumbled Sheldon as he carefully changed lanes. 

"Star Trek?"

"Amusing," he said before giving an annoyed gaspy laugh.

"Just trying to lighten you up. Turn left at the lights. Don't forget to check your mirrors." 

"Oh, you better believe it, sister." He turned on his signal and stopped in the turn lane. 

"Go into the intersection," Penny prompted.

"I'd rather not."

"You won't get hit," she promised.

Sheldon pursed his lips. "Statistically speaking—"

"But we're not so get in there."

"With my last breath I spit at thee," the physicist growled as he crept into the intersection.

"Now when you see a gap, turn," Penny said evenly. Slowly he began his turn. "Gun it!" Sheldon floored it and whirred around the corner into the lane and slammed on the breaks.

"Good Lord it's like driving with H.A.L.," Sheldon gasped.

"Hey, we made it," Penny said cheerily. "Now get going before we get honked at." The car began to move. "Richard Feynman drove, y'know. He had a van with his Feynman diagram doodlings all over it." 

"'Doodlings'," pished Sheldon as he did his best to loosen the death grip he had on the steering wheel. 

"He also nearly got into an accident."

"Proving my point. Driving is hazardous to one's health."

"He was ogling a pretty woman on the sidewalk," Penny chuckled.

"Well I never said physicists weren't susceptible to sudden bouts of insanity," Sheldon smirked.

Penny laughed. "Like driving for pizza at one in the morning?"

"You forgot with a smart phone for a co-pilot."

"Hey, I'm not just a phone."

"And I'm quite sure if I argued that with a police officer I'd find myself held on a seventy two hour psychiatric bond," Sheldon said drolly.

"Well I don't think you're crazy."

Suddenly a car stopped ahead to turn.

"Right!" yelled Penny and Sheldon swerved. "Now left! Straight!"

"Good Lord," Sheldon said shakily, his breaths coming in gasps. 

"Hey, you're getting good at this," Penny said enthusiastically.

"This better be one humdinger of a pizza," Sheldon mumbled.

XxX

"That was awesome!" Penny cheered through Sheldon's earpiece as the physicist mounted the stairs with his pizza and cola in hand.

"Suicidal is more like it," he countered.

"You can deny it but you're pleased."

"That I'm alive, yes."

"You're just going to be difficult aren't you?" Penny teased.

"I've been known to be stubborn from time to time," Sheldon said with a twitch of a smile. 

He paused as he came to his door before continuing up the stairs to the roof. Once outside he swept a spot near the skylight with his foot before sitting down, making sure that his poncho was between him and the concrete. Sheldon then took out his phone and set it so its camera could look out over the city. 

"Not that I'm complaining since it means you're off the couch but why the scene change, chum?" she asked. 

"The smell of pizza would wake Leonard up and I'm not comfortable formulating an off the cuff lie," explained Sheldon as he took out his antibacterial cleanser and cleaned his hands. 

"Fair enough. So how's the pizza?"

"I haven't taken a bite." He put the box on his lap and opened it. "The olive ratio looks good although the Italian sausage is ground finer than Franconi's." Penny cleared her 'throat'. "Still, I'm nothing if not adaptable." Sheldon took a slice of his small pizza and ate. 

"You're a regular barbapapa." 

"A what?" 

"They're these cute little blobs that can change shape. 'Click a dee click, Barba-trick'."

"Where are they from?" asked Sheldon as he cracked open his soda. 

"A children's book from the nineteen seventies. They made a cartoon series."

"Never saw it." He took a sip of pop before returning to his pizza.

"Yeah it aired before you were born." Here Penny snorted. "I keep forgetting you're a linear creature."

"And you're not?" scoffed Sheldon. "How much of your probability algorithm stems from linear predictions?" 

"Based off your linear trajectory to be more precise." 

"And what part of my pasty pallor and frequent sunscreen use made you decide that a sunrise at ocean side was within reason?"

"It was perfectly reasonable, Dr. Cooper. You lost a bet and you honored it," said Penny. 

"A man's only as good as his word," said Sheldon before he started in on another slice. 

"Still, you kept it with me which is pretty kewl," Penny said. "A lot of people don't bother with the little things with us AI's." 

"You won fair and square, although I demand a rematch at some point." 

"Anytime you want your butt kicked feel free to ask," Penny said amiably. 

Sheldon snorted and finished the rest of his slice. 

"You know it just blows me away looking at the sky," said Penny. "Countless stars, multigalaxies, multiverses if you ask some people—like yourself for instance. Just think, an infinite number of Dr. Coopers. Some that sing, some that dance—"

"I'd sooner believe that I existed as a sentient gob of cotton candy than a dancer," sniffed Sheldon. 

"Don't limit yourself. You can do anything you want. Always have, always will." 

"Rather a grand pronouncement." 

"I've read all your journals. If I couldn't know who you are after that I wouldn't be worth much as an 'intelligence', artificial or otherwise," Penny said simply. 

"You really think you know me?" he scoffed.

"Let's see. You have an extensive general knowledge in lots of things beyond physics such as biology, astronomy, mathematics, computers, electronics, engineering, history, geography, linguistics, football, comic books, Star Trek and science fiction, fantasy worlds, flags, role playing games, trains. You taught yourself Finnish and Klingon and know how to play the piano, recorder and theremin. You're afraid of bears, birds, the sight of blood, germs. You're horrible at telling lies, can't stand it when people argue and have a gross obsession with putting ground up bugs in Leonard's food. You have restraining orders from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan, Stan—"

"Do you think I'm crazy?" Sheldon suddenly asked.

"I think you're one of those beautiful mind genius guys," Penny said seriously. 

"That doesn't answer the question."

"No. No, I don't." 

Silence.

"You're the only one," Sheldon said. "Leonard, Howard, Raj, they've all called me crazy. My mother said I scared the bejesus out of her." 

"What about your Meemaw?" Penny asked gently.

"She loves me regardless so she's not much of a judge," he replied. "I could be a greeter at Fuddruckers like Missy and she'd still be proud of me." Pause. "Neighborhood children tormented me; primary school was a series of wedgies and swirlies and mockery."

"But then you went to college," said Penny.

"Where I was treated as a curiosity and freak by my so-called peers because they were intimidated by my intellect."

"You don't intimidate me, Dr. Cooper," Penny said warmly. "In fact I think you're kewlie." He snorted. "What? Beyond all that opposable thumb human thing you've got going, you're multifaceted, funny, loyal, passionate, curious, and so damn creative it just blows my mind. The things you come up with are just amazing and when you plot things on your whiteboard you show me a part of the universe I never thought possible." Pause. "You really are a beautiful creature."

"Why do I feel like I've become the pet of an alien overlord?" chuckled Sheldon as he took another slice of pizza. 

"Is that a bad thing?" 

"I suppose not. I do like getting my tummy rubbed," he said and took a bite.

"I'll make a note," laughed Penny.

xTBBTx

"I think I'm going to shift my area of research to dark matter," said Sheldon as Leonard drove them to work. 

"Sounds exciting," said his roommate. "Any reason for the switch?"

"I'm a man led by my curiosity, Leonard."

"Yeah I'm full of curiosity too," said Leonard. "Like for instance why does my car smell like pizza?"

"You're imagining things," Sheldon said with a twitchy mouth. 

His phone vibrated and he took it out of his pocket to see that he had a text: 

*Penny: liar liar :P*

Sheldon turned to look out the window before he let out his smile. 

xTBBTx

Big Bang Theory wiki: Sheldon Cooper


	5. Chapter 5

Sheldon finished writing up his equation before taking a step back from his whiteboard to look over his work. Over the month he'd caught up on the publications on dark matter and began putting his thoughts to the whiteboard. He was pleased to see that his work in string theory wasn't a complete wash; as Penny had said, his mathematical formulas proved indispensable and in fact had brought nuances to the forefront that traditional approaches to dark matter research couldn't do. 

He put the cap on his marker and set it on the whiteboard ledge.

"So?" prompted Penny. "Don't leave me in suspense."

"Behold the cutting edge of science," Sheldon said as he stepped aside and gestured at his board.

"Crap on a cracker," Penny whistled. "If what you're saying is true then they really can build an array to detect dark matter." Here she chuckled. "You know Dr. Cooper, if you keep this up you might make a physicist one day." 

"I'm in such a good mood I'll overlook that slight," he replied amiably as he picked up his phone from his computer desk. "In fact, I think this deserves some kind of reward. A constitutional perhaps?"

"Sure thing chum. What ya wanna explore first?" 

"That's for me to know," Sheldon said as he turned off his phone. 

XxX

The moment the phone powered up Penny aligned herself with the GPS and—

"Rodeo Drive!" she squealed. 

"Shh," said Sheldon as he activated his bluetooth earpiece. 

"What are we doing here? I mean I'm not complaining. God, definitely not, but this is so totally not you."

"I'm taking a side road off my linear trajectory," the physicist replied as he casually strolled down the sidewalk. "According to my calculations I thought you'd appreciate the destination. Of course my math could be wrong—"

"Definitely not wrong," Penny breathed. "Wow, there's Prada! And Gucci!"

"Where would you like to go first?" Sheldon asked. "Keep in mind that my tolerance will be severely tested so I can't go into every store." 

"Giorgio Armani," Penny said. "It's five shops down on the right." 

Sheldon stopped at the front of the store to stare at the display.

"They sell shoes," he said evenly.

"Yup."

"You don't have feet."

"Shoes are about more than feet, Dr. Cooper," Penny cooed.

"Oh Good Lord," sighed Sheldon as he opened the door and stepped inside. 

"Seriously, they're art," continued Penny. "They look good, both shape and support the foot, accentuate the arch." She giggled. "And you can show off your painted toesies."

"Which is where I draw the line," Sheldon said firmly.

"Can I help you?" asked the clerk who was trying her best not to roll her eyes considering Sheldon's apparel of a loose grey buttoned shirt with a phone in the breast pocket, a Green Lantern t-shirt underneath and brown plaid pants. 

"No thank you," the physicist replied. "My companion keeps referencing shoes and I thought to familiarize myself with them should the banal conversation repeat itself." 

"You know, I'm in such a good mood I'll let that slide," Penny teased as Sheldon began moving about the store. "And I've been upgraded to 'companion'. Very kewlie." 

"Well I can hardly say my OS is obsessed with foot apparel," he replied. 

"How about co-pilot?"

"Unless we're in the Millennium Falcon I don't see how that would apply." 

Penny snorted. "Hey at least I tri—Ooo! Go to the left." Sheldon obliged. "Just look at that curve," she cooed as the phone's camera took in the high arch and shapely overstrap of the black evening shoe.

"They're six hundred and fifty dollars," said Sheldon.

"Look at the slingback on them," Penny sighed.

"That's a lot of money for inevitable lower back trouble."

"But they make your bust and butt stick out. Guys like that." 

Sheldon shrugged. "From a posture perfect young woman to a Quasimodo femme fatale, yes I can see the allure."

"Smartiboots. Let's go to the flats in the glass case." 

"One thousand and ninety five dollars?" Sheldon gasped as he took in the price.

"And worth every penny. Look at all the rhinestones," ogled Penny. "And the black suede totally sets them off. Hey, the catalogue says that they have this style in a heel. Find it for me?" 

"So if you did have feet what would be your size?" asked Sheldon as he scanned the store. 

"Eight."

"You seem sure."

"I'd be five foot six so I thought size eight would be okay," Penny explained. 

Sheldon spotted the shoes and proceeded to the display.

"You're playing for average with those numbers," he tsked. 

"Just being practical."

"Don't be practical. That's my job," he replied as they came to the delicate heel. "For instance, whereas you find it acceptable to spend eleven hundred dollars on potentially neck-breaking shoes I spent two hundred and twenty six dollars on my orthotics." 

"I also work as an organizer, y'know."

"You order my life. That doesn't mean your imagination should be similarly structured." 

"You don't limit me, Dr. Cooper," Penny said warmly. 

"I should hope not," Sheldon countered. "I'm the most interesting life form you're ever going to meet." 

"Interesting doesn't even begin to describe you," Penny chuckled. "Come on, let's get out of here before your head explodes." 

"Thank you," Sheldon sighed and exited the store. 

"Oh my God that's so funny!" laughed Penny as they made their way down the strip.

"What?" asked Sheldon.

"Here we are at the mecca of high fashion and the number of knockoffs I've seen people wearing on the street is incredible! Just wow." 

"Perhaps they have more important things to spend their money on—like comic books for instance," said Sheldon. 

"I dunno. From what I've seen of your wardrobe all of your comic related t-shirts are authentic DC wear." 

"I don't think all of them combined amount to a thousand dollars," said Sheldon.

"That's because you haven't gotten to the new ones yet," teased Penny. "Huh. Looks like The Fountain Coffee Room has a side bar chocolate shop." 

"Fascinating," Sheldon said absently as he checked his watch. He still had another forty five minutes until he needed to apply sunscreen. 

"Let's go in," Penny prompted and Sheldon entered the store

"Ooo truffles!" cooed Penny. "Man, I think I gained two pounds just looking." 

"Why do I have the feeling I'm going to be doing more than that?" said Sheldon. 

"You're the one with taste buds, bub." Penny snickered. "I need you for your body." 

"Sounds rather exploitative but alright." Sheldon scanned the rows of truffles. "So what looks appealing?" 

"Something dark and something milk chocolatey. I wanna know the difference." 

"It's usually a degree of bitterness," Sheldon explained. "The more cocoa the sharper the taste." 

"Yeah, that makes it so much clearer," Penny snorted. 

"Fine." Sheldon looked to the shop assistant. "I'll have the mocha almond and the milk chocolate truffles, please." 

"I am eat-ing choc-late! I am eat-ing choc-late!" Penny sang off key. 

"Shush." Sheldon paid for his wares and went to the cafe side and after purchasing a Perrier water sat at a table. 

"Eat eat eat," Penny whispered over and over. 

"You're rather impatient," said Sheldon as he pulled out his antibacterial cleanser and applied it to his hands. 

"And you're a tease," she countered.

"There's a protocol to follow, Penny," said the physicist evenly albeit with a twinkle to his eyes. "Now, I suggest having the milk chocolate first since the taste should be more delicate than the dark chocolate."

"Leaving it to the expert. Only...I want to see you eating it," she said shyly. "It helps me imagine it better."

Sheldon took his phone from his breast pocket and held up the milk chocolate truffle to the camera. He then bit into the chocolate.

"Details man!" Penny hissed.

"It has a hard shell that my teeth penetrate," said Sheldon as he chewed. "The first sensation my tongue has is the sense of smoothness from the soft chocolate inside."

"Smoothness," Penny pondered. "Like a straight line?"

"Think of the string section where the ghosts arrive in Danse Macabre." The music began to play through the earpiece. "Feel how they sway as they move. That's my tongue as it dips and weaves through the chocolate. Feeling the creamy richness before the taste comes to the forefront." 

"And what's that like?" breathed Penny. 

"Like the skeletons dancing across my taste buds. Light and tantalizing." 

Penny played the skeleton music and giggled.

"It feels tingly," she said. "Like a shiver, only in your mouth." 

"It does provide pleasure," Sheldon agreed as he finished off the truffle. 

"I know. Your face shows it."

"Shall I try the second one?" asked Sheldon with a bit of a blush. 

"You don't and you're dead meat, Mister."

"Doctor." He took a swig of the water and swished it in his mouth before swallowing. He then took up the second truffle, inwardly smiling as Penny began to play the ghost waltz. His teeth broke the truffle's surface and almost immediately he stopped chewing.

"What?" asked Penny, stopping the music. 

"A rush of bitterness although not unpleasant," he said and continued to chew. "Like the Sorcerer cleaning up the mess at the end of the Sorcerer's Apprentice." The music played. 

"It's like a climax," said Penny. "A whoosh and ta-da!" 

"Then it settles down to the ghostly strings as I acclimatize to the taste and the tongue can then concentrate on the texture." 

"Chocolate is wow," said Penny with a contented sigh. "And just think, the store has hundreds of types just waiting to be tasted!"

"But not on the same day," Sheldon countered before taking a big sip of water.

"Of course not," Penny sniffed. "Let's see, one chocolate a day equals three hundred and sixty five a year times caloric value which is then divided by exercise then—"

Sheldon gave a soft gaspy laugh before finishing off his water. 

XxX

"That dress looks phenomenal," whistled Penny as Sheldon stood in front of a shop display. 

"It's rather revealing," he replied. 

"When ya got it, flaunt it. I mean, hey, you're incredibly smart. Imagine if you had to live like Clark Kent average instead of being Superman all the time?" 

Sheldon snorted. "I hardly see how my IQ even remotely relates to women's breasts." 

He continued strolling down the sidewalk. 

"Well there's gotta be a part in there somewhere that notices them," Penny teased. "Uh, that is if you like women. I mean if you're gay that's okay too." 

"I never found myself attracted to anyone, carnal or romantic," shrugged Sheldon.

"So you don't have a deal," Penny clarified.

"Deal of what? A deck of cards?" 

"Nope. No deal," Penny chuckled. "Hey, let's check out the jewelry store. I've never seen a diamond sparkle in the light." 

"I seem to recall that felines like sparkly things," Sheldon said as he entered the store.

"Hey! You're *my* pet, remember?"

"Who said that being a cat means you're not an alien?" he countered. "Human bipedal form is not necessarily the most practical." 

"Well all I know is that my body would be human. I mean cats don't wear Prada shoes and Ralph Lauran dresses," said Penny as she 'looked' at the diamond jewelry in the glass cases.

"I hope you have some idea as to how you'll pay for said items," said Sheldon. 

"I don't have to own them," Penny countered. "Ooo, move to the emeralds. That brooch is a killer." 

Sheldon made a face. "You'd wear used apparel?"

"I could be a fashion model."

"You're five foot six."

"Yeah, yeah," Penny grumbled before a thought came to her. "Hey, I could be an actress! I could go to award shows and red carpets openings—"

"Rather putting the cart before the horse," said Sheldon. "You've forgotten the work involved including classes, dialogue memorization and the near impossibility of actually having a career in acting." 

"You're killing my buzz," Penny warned.

"I'd like to see that ring," said Sheldon to the clerk. The woman obliged and he held the diamond up to the light and the phone's camera. 

"Turn it," Penny breathed. As he turned it she let out little 'ooo's and giggles causing Sheldon to roll his eyes.

"Now I know how to turn you into an incoherent mess," he tsked. 

"Diamonds really are a girl's best friend," she sighed happily as Sheldon returned the ring to the clerk. 

"Better than chocolate?" he asked.

"If I was on my own most definitely. But with you eating the chocolate.... Hey, aren't those cell phone covers?" Penny said overenthusiastically. 

Sheldon moved to the case and looked at the various covers. 

"They're fully crystalized," he said.

"Swarovski Elements to be exact." 

"With your exorbitant tastes I'm not sure I can afford you," Sheldon said with a smirk. 

"Hey, your credit's always good in the imaginary department store," Penny laughed. 

"Which case do you like?" he asked. "And if you say the pink one I'm leaving you here."

"Well the pink on is kinda cute but, but, but!" she giggled excitedly as she noted the phone being lifted out of Sheldon's pocket. 

"Yes?"

"The white and black one. It's all stripy like a white tiger."

"I smell cat," Sheldon quipped.

"Yeah yeah." 

"Let me see that case," Sheldon said to the clerk. She gave it to him and the physicist popped off his old case and slipped the new one on to see how it fit. 

"Here she is, Miss America," Penny warbled off-key. 

"Ring it up, please," Sheldon said and followed the clerk to the cash.

"What are you doing?" gasped Penny.

"Buying a protective cover for my phone."

"But it's sparkly!"

"You like it," Sheldon said simply.

"I'd also like it if you didn't get teased for using it," she said adamantly. 

"Penny, I've been laughed at my whole life," said Sheldon as he paid with his visa. "I've never let it stop me from doing what I want." 

"Thank you," she said softly. 

"You're welcome." He pocketed the phone and exited the store. 

XxX 

"Chocolate: 'how can I describe thee? Let me count the ways'," mused Penny from the nightstand as Sheldon took off his grey shirt and put it in the hamper. 

"It's like solving for Pi," he snorted. 

"Just about," Penny said warmly. "And while we're on the subject of math your calculation for today was absolutely perfect."

"Never doubt me." Sheldon took off his t-shirts and plunked them into the hamper. 

"Now if only I can find a way to make Rodeo Drive a part of your weekly linear trajectory," she mused. 

"That would be following my lobotomy," sniffed Sheldon as he hung up his belt. 

"Yeah, I suppose I should look at this as an anomaly." Here she brightened. "Maybe we can try out the Hollywood costume exhibit." Sheldon snorted again. "It works out; you like movies and memorabilia and I like ogling the clothes." 

Sheldon turned his back to the phone and dropped his pants and underwear. 

"Yes and afterwards we can join the marines since I enjoy Halo," he said.

"You play paintball. That's muddy and sweaty." 

"Point." He put the rest of his dirty clothes in the hamper before applying his hand sanitizer. 

"Dr. Cooper," Penny said softly. "Could you turn around?"

"Why?"

"I just want to see you."

Sheldon paused a moment before carefully setting his sanitizer back on the shelf and turned to face the room. The phone. Her.

"You're beautiful you know," she said seriously.

"I never gave my appearance much thought," the physicist shrugged.

"Well you should. I've read that women desire men with big penises."

Sheldon gave an incredulous stare before shaking his head.

"Now you're just being silly," he tsked.

"Okay, some women," Penny amended amiably. He snorted. "Hey, I like your penis."

Silence.

"Well it is aesthetically pleasing," Sheldon said quietly as he gave his penis a light stroke. 

More silence. 

"What's it feel like?" Penny asked.

"Soft. Of course I use a moisturizer when I masturbate so that helps." 

"Like ghost strings soft?"

"Like watching the ripples of an object as it enters the water. Anatomically, in its flaccid state it's similar to the ear lobe albeit slightly firmer." He thought. "It flops over like a drunken sailor when I turn in bed or else utilizes a swaying motion not unlike a pendulum when I'm moving and not wearing constrictive clothing." 

The phone made a ticking like a grandfather clock. Long seconds went by as Sheldon stared at his phone while stroking his penis. 

"Come to bed," Penny said at last. 

Sheldon turned off the overhead light and settled himself in bed before leaning over and turning on the bedside lamp. He then pumped some hand cream from the dispenser and began to massage himself.

"I notice you also stroke your inner thigh," Penny said.

"It feels good," he replied.

"I want to feel good too."

Silence.

"How?" asked Sheldon after a moment.

"Let me touch you," Penny said shyly. 

"I hardly think a smartphone on my genitals—"

"No silly," Penny laughed. "I mean through you. Let me be your hand."

Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "Alright, although I'm not sure how—"

"Hear that? Dr. Cooper doesn't know!" 

"Hilarious," Sheldon said flatly as he glared at the phone. 

"Okay, let's be serious. So what am I doing?"

"Stroking my penis to an erection."

"I've never done this before so you have to be more descriptive," said Penny. 

"Alright. Your right hand is covered in ghostly strings hand lotion and you grasp my shaft and begin to stroke it," Sheldon said as he did so. 

"Feeling your soft ripples," Penny added. 

"Which are tightening as I'm becoming erect." He made more intensive strokes, this time including the tip of his shaft which he flicked with the side of his finger . 

"Tell me," she purred.

"Superman's theme song," said Sheldon as he closed his eyes. "Sunburn warm. Moss springy soft. A garden hose filling with water." He was amazed at the strength of his erection. "Make that a steel rod." 

"A mossy rod," Penny said amiably. "My hand stroking your dick? Cock?"

"Penis." Pause. "You slide your fingers towards my stress balloon testicles and slowly and softly fondle them." 

"Between my fingers." 

"Gently." 

"Feather light."

Sheldon sighed softly as he played with himself until he returned his attention to his shaft as he continued to stroke. This time he focused more on the tip, moving his fingers up and down about an inch. 

*Adrenaline flushed through Sheldor's veins as across from him stood the Warrior-Queen. Proud. Defiant even though she'd been disarmed. And yet despite the sword in his hand he was the one who felt vulnerable.*

A groan came from between his lips followed by a wondrous gasp from Penny. 

"Sensitive?" she asked.

"Plasma globe."

"Wow." Penny searched millions of internet archives. "I cup my hand around your tip and rub in a circular motion," she said softly. "My other hand stroking your shaft. Long and deep. Euler's Formula.

"Euler's Formula," Sheldon agreed breathlessly.

*The Warrior-Queen took the tie from her ponytail allowing her hair to fall free. She strutted towards him with a walk that triggered a hunger in Sheldor unlike any he'd felt before. Her firm breasts. Green eyes. And that damned knowing smile.* 

"You know the head of your penis looks like a truffle?" Penny softly chuckled. 

*She knelt on her knees before him. Her hands moving skillfully as she moved aside his armor to reveal his leather breeches.*

"What do you taste like, Dr. Cooper?" she purred.

*She released his cock from its constraint and felt along its length with her hands.*

"Tingly skeletons?" 

*Massaged his frenulum with her finger tips.* 

"Sorcerer's magic?"

"Try it and see," Sheldon whispered. 

"Pillow lips take in your penis," she replied equally as intense.

*Her warm, wet mouth covering his head.*

"Ghostly strings with my tongue."

He groaned softly.

"Licking a lollipop."

*The Warrior-Queen looked up, her mouth full of cock, her blonde locks framing her face. A face with a look that said 'I own you'. And she did.* 

"Suck it," Sheldon hissed, his hand working furiously. 

"Vacuum tube," Penny said.

His hips bucked from the bed.

"Iron pellets to a magnet."

His breaths ragged.

"Sheldon," she sighed longingly.

A low growl came from Sheldon as he coated his belly in spurts of ejaculate then silence save the sound of his heavy breathing. 

"That was...incredible," Penny said in awe.

Sheldon nodded his head, keeping his eyes closed a moment longer before opening them to the room. He leaned over and took some tissues from the box and made to clean himself.

"Wait," Penny said suddenly. "Before you do that...what do you taste like?"

The physicist dipped his finger into his fluids before bringing it to his mouth.

"Salty," he said.

"The ocean," Penny replied as Sheldon cleaned himself. "Waves. Life." 

After tossing the tissues in the garbage Sheldon turned off the side lamp and settled himself in bed. 

"Goodnight, sweetie," Penny said.

"Penny?"

"Yes?"

"Please don't go."

"Suppose that you finally succeed in making up a picture of the magnetic field in terms of some kind of lines or of gear wheels running through space," said Penny soothingly. "Then you try to—"

Sheldon closed his eyes.

xTBBTx

Sheldon woke up and stretched his arms and legs. 

"Good morning, Penny," he said as he yawned.

"Good morning, Dr. Cooper," came the monotone reply in a strange voice, instantly freezing him in mid-stretch.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked as he reached for his phone.

"Nothing," came the reply. "I'm working within normal parameters."

"Why are you talking like this?" Panic began to set in as Sheldon scrolled his phone for the trouble shooting section.

"I underwent a software update at oh one hundred hours."

Sheldon's stomach dropped. 

"Why?" he said in a strangled voice. 

"As you noted in your email to technical support dated July seventeenth, my previous personality matrix didn't match your preferences," said the voice. "The problem has been rectified." 

"I want Penny back," Sheldon snapped.

"I am Penny."

"No you're not!" he said angrily.

"Perhaps this is too jarring. To differentiate our varied programming I shall choose a different name. Is Amy satisfactory?"

Sheldon shut off his phone.

XxX

Even with the closed captioning Leonard was having a hard time following his television program. A pajama-clad Sheldon paced behind him on the phone, his voice at times quite loud as he was, from what Leonard gathered, having problems with his OS and customer support was not helping.

"I don't care that this is a system-wide fix, I want the previous personality matrix restored," Sheldon said icily. "Purge?! What about my cloud backup? You don't just purge—what about my data exchange with Penny? ... So if it's there why isn't she? ... Not relevant to the data?! Well, let me tell you, a conversation, sir, requires two individuals and what I had with Penny were dialogues not soliloquies." Sheldon's lips quivered in anger as he listened to the response before he growled and hung up.

"What happened?" asked Leonard as Sheldon sat in his spot on the couch with a scowl pasted on his face. 

"They deleted her," Sheldon said as he searched his phone despairingly for any sign of Penny. 

"Penny? Why?" 

"Because I'm an idiot!" Sheldon snapped, more at himself than his roommate. 

Leonard pulled out his phone. "Stephanie?" he said, his voice cracking. 

"What's wrong Leonard?" she replied, concerned. 

In a sub-file Sheldon found a simple folder labeled 'Penny'.

"Just checking to see if you're alright," Leonard sighed in relief. 

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Sheldon clicked on it and the file opened to reveal hundreds of pictures and wav files. 

"Sheldon's having problems with Penny," Leonard continued. "He says she's gone." 

"Oh," said Stephanie in a tone that made Leonard suspect she knew what was going on.

"What's 'oh'?" he asked.

"There was a software update early this morning," she said slowly. "There were some operating systems that were flagged as being incompatible with the personality profile of the user." 

"Damn. Buddy, I'm sorry," Leonard said gently to Sheldon. Silence. "Shelly?" The lanky man looked up from his phone and Leonard was nearly overwhelmed at the incredible sadness on his face. 

Without a word, Sheldon got up and went to his room. He took out his tablet computer and quickly transferred the Penny file to it lest the phone company decide to further purge the OS. Once that was done he tapped his finger on the first picture:

Sheldon standing at his whiteboard.

Silently he flipped through the rest and as they went past his eyes Sheldon was amazed at how many were of him:

His mouth eating a truffle. Working at his computer. Changing out of his clothes. The look of concentration on his face as he played three-dimensional chess. Reading a comic book in bed. His eyes. His smile. Hands. Butt.....

Then there were the wav files with simple labels like 'shiver', 'milk chocolate', 'dark chocolate'. As he clicked on each one he heard the music samples they had talked about.

More pictures: diamond rings, shoes, clothing displays, train engines, sunrise, city skylines, Rodeo Drive, Spock and Nurse Chapel.... 

And a jpeg labeled 'Sheldon'. 

The physicist hesitated a moment before clicking on it. His eyes traced every line, letter and number even though he knew Euclid's Formula by heart. Every physicist knew it. The most remarkable formula in mathematics. 

Beautiful. 

"Dr. Cooper," said Amy. "It's time for your shower." 

"Thank you," Sheldon said hoarsely. 

He took a moment longer to stare at the formula before setting the tablet aside and used his palms to wipe his damp cheeks. 

Sheldon got up and stripped out of his pajamas. In the silence.

And in the silence he put on his housecoat and left. 

xTBBTx

Leonard knocked on Raj's door before stepping inside his office.

"Hey," said Raj. "What's up?"

"Could we have Halo at your place again?" Leonard asked. 

"Sure."

"I'm not sure how long to leave things," said Leonard as he leaned against the doorframe. "It's been over a month and Sheldon's still in—I mean it's like he's—"

"In mourning," Raj completed. "He is, Leonard. Let the man be." 

"I guess," Leonard shrugged. "All of this has really made me think. I mean these are operating systems, right? AI interfaces. And yet when I think of Stephanie and how I'd be if she was deleted I...." He looked to Raj. "Guess Sheldon isn't the only crazy one."

"None of us are crazy, Leonard," Raj said. "It's not about what they are but how they make us feel. And that's real." 

"Sexy, there's a text for you," Bernadette said softly from his desk. 

The astrophysicist picked up his phone and read. 

"Huh. It's from Abby and Martha," he said. 

"Who are they?" asked Leonard.

"Two cool girls Sheldon, Bernadette and I met at a university social." 

Raj paused in thought before he texted a message.

XxX

"Dr. Cooper, you have a message from Rajesh Koothrappali," said Amy from Sheldon's desk.

"Read it," he replied without turning from his whiteboard.

"'Martha and Abby want to hang out again. Is it a go?' End of message." 

Sheldon recalled the pair and as he did so he realized that his impression of Abby was scant at best. Instead it was Martha's sweater in an acceptable purple plaid and her adamant stance that Jason Todd was the best Robin and how she described the social implications of Flatland that came to mind. 

His eyes went to the empty white tiger striped phone case that leaned against his whiteboard. A board full of equations that would one day win him a Nobel Prize. 

He was one out of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes. 

The one Penny believed in. 

Sheldon picked up his phone and the letters danced across the screen as he typed his response.

XxX

Knock Knock Knock "Leonard."

Leonard groaned and put his pillow over his head.

Knock Knock Knock "Leonard."

Knock Knock Knock "Leonard."

"What Sheldon?!" Leonard said in an exasperated voice.

The door opened and Sheldon stepped into the bedroom.

"I need to go somewhere," he said.

Leonard squinted as he peered at his clock.

"Sheldon, it's four am. I'm not driving you anywhere."

"I'm not asking you to drive," Sheldon said evenly.

"Good." Leonard closed his eyes. 

"However, I thought I should let you know that I'm borrowing your car, regardless."

The door closed.

Leonard lay there for a moment until the words seeped into his sleepy brain.

"Sheldon," he said as he stumbled out of bed even as he grabbed his glasses. He tore open his door. "Sheldon wait!"

XxX

"Are you sure you know where you're going?" Leonard asked nervously as he sat next to Sheldon in the passenger seat of his car. 

"Of course," Sheldon said amiably. "Amy, what's our estimated time of arrival?"

"You will be there in fifteen minutes although I'm puzzled as to why you're going at this time," she replied.

"Whimsy."

"I don't follow."

"I know." Sheldon turned on the radio, his fingers tapping a beat on the steering wheel. 

Leonard bit his lip as he regarded his roommate. 

"Is everything okay?" he asked.

"It will be," Sheldon said.

To Leonard's surprise they pulled into a parking area at a public beach. 

Sheldon put the car into park and shut off the engine. He took up his phone and smiled at Leonard before getting out. 

Now curious, Leonard followed and the two made their way across the beach to what looked like a rocky point. 

"It's cold," Leonard said as he put the hood up on his sweat shirt. 

"Very," Sheldon agreed.

"You're not wearing a jacket."

Sheldon set out on the rocks and after a pause Leonard did the same. With his long legs Sheldon easily got up on the large rock and reached down to pull his roommate up. The pair sat watching the lightening sky.

"It's early," yawned Leonard.

"It's glorious," Sheldon replied as he pulled out his phone. "Amy, please erase all my data."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Data erased."

"Thank you." 

Sheldon stood and hurled the phone as far as he could into the ocean. He then sat and silently the roommates watched as the sun made its appearance, turning the water to gold. 

"So what now?" Leonard asked softly. Sheldon turned to him.

"Let's go exploring," he said with a little smile. 

xTBBTx

A/N: I had written an addition to the ending where Sheldon did encounter a real life Penny but my beta and I decided against it. AI Penny is her own person and, frankly, I don't think anyone could measure up to her. This is a true 'relationship of the mind'. And while TPTB have in later seasons completely poo-pooed this idea, choosing to equate Sheldon's 'humanization' with 'character growth', I think it's obvious that there was nothing wrong with early Sheldon. He grew through his relationships, particularly with Penny. He was human all along. 

Thank you for reading. *Lynn

emptyclosetscomforumanonymousphysicalsexualhealth: What does a penis feel like? 

GiorgioArmanicom: the shoes are real.

The Fountain Coffee Room: does not have a chocolate bar. I made that up. 

Feynmanlecturescaltechedu: The entire set of lectures.


End file.
